Last night

Stasis.
A condition of balance among various forces; motionlessness.

Last night I realised I identified with this word more than ever before in my life.
Is stasis a balance or a lack of force? You could argue that the balance is achieved with the help of two or more equal and opposite forces.
The dictionary also gives another definition. ‘Stoppage of the normal flow of a liquid substance'
This is more like how I feel. Like everything has just stopped happening. Not like my life has come to an end. But more like I am waiting for something to happen. Not a full stop. More like a comma. A pause. In balance. In stasis.

You would think that this is the last thing I should be thinking of, being in third year of college, 18yrs old.... The funniest part is that in some ways I am happy. At least I have my peace of mind. But then it always comes back to the very same question. Do I like being at peace?

Last night, there were three words running through my head as I was lying down trying desperately to get some sleep. Always in the same order. Always in the same tone. ‘He, I, we… He, I, we…’ Almost like a chant. Or a lullaby. Take it any way you want to. And I wonder now, why the order never changed. Why was ‘I’ never first ? Why was it always ‘he’? (To those who are wondering who this 'he' is, I wish I knew. I feel like I will never know. If I did know, I doubt very much that it would be 'he' running through my mind. Wouldnt it be 'his' name?)

There are four types of women. Women who always put themselves first – the MMers. Women who always put others first – the YYers. Women who put themselves first but maybe not always – the MYers. And the women who put themselves lastbut not always – the YMers.

Most people (both men and women) consider the MMers to be the selfish bitchy women. And the YYers to be females with zero self respect. I don’t know if I agree with this perception. But what I do know is I that I always thought myself to be one of the MYers. But of late I have realised I am more likely an YMer possibly even one of the YYers.. And I don’t know if that is a good thing. I also don’t know if all this logic makes any sense to anyone other than me.

Last night I realised there are many times when I am glad I joined this college and made the greatest set of friends ever. I am glad for that. I am glad for the particular friend who made me realise that. Not withstanding her repeated attempts to persuade me to agree to let her instigate an event of rowdyism and which would result in a pair of broken legs, she really made me feel better. And that got me thinking. If I hadn’t joined this mediocre college, I would never have met all these people.

Last night was a night of many thoughts. You would think with all this thinking I would be too busy for anything else. You would be wrong. I finished a book (Eleven Minutes-Paulo Coelho), one that I really don’t know whether to classify as a good one or a bad one. One thing is certain. I certainly identified with the protagonist.

from the book:
' Considering the way the world is, one happy day is a miracle'
'The art of sex is the art of controlled abandon'
And last of all, my favourite(!!!):
'The true experience of freedom (the author was talking of love):having the most important thing in the world without owning it'

How was your night?