Doubts.

Its been so long since I wrote a proper post that I've forgotten how to start.

But things have been crazy lately. And from the response to my previous post.. I realize that only poor poor sthupit girl is reading my measly blog.. or bothering to comment at least.. It doesnt matter. In fact all the more reason to be happy.

When its time to leave a place, everyone becomes impatient. Especially is its somethign you're looking forward to. Everyone seems to get irritable and irritated. You start getting tired of taking the crap you took happily for three years.

Where that's most obvious right now, is in the 'always-supposed-to-be-ever-fresh-and-green' area - Friendship.

In spite of all the cheesy forwards one recieves saying its supposed to last forever, it just wont, will it? Nothing does. I've already lost touch with friends I meet everyday.
I mean.. we talk, we see each other every day just like before. but it isnt the same. and that scares me. because, it feels like being trapped. Suddenly their glaring faults seem all the more obvious and all the more irritating, the tiniest things tend to spark off the sickest fights, and suddenly I've discovered that I want to do many things other than 'hang out' or watch that 'great' movie. And what scares me even more is not that I love them any less (I dont love them any less) but the fact that I seem to be the only one feeling like this.

Is it because of the differentness? the lack of sameness?

Maybe I should explain (to whom?).. I study in this typical X-type college which has a lot of typical X-type students. I am (fortunately?) a Y. But my aforesaid beloved friends are all X.
Of course religion, caste, and community (all of it - X) do NOT matter to me. I did after all choose them as my friends. There were non-X type people available as well... but.. well but.
But my point is that its stifling now. The lack of space. The taken-for-grantedness. Their know-it-all, my-little-universe-is-the-whole-world attitude.

Sigh. But they've been there for me throught thick and thin, maybe not always doing to me as I would have done to myself (I would have been harsher), but still staying by me, listening to my woes and to my cribbing.. I love them really, I do. If it were not for them I wouldnt be sane.

And now, is it just my sick imagination, or do I feel that spend any more time with them and I'll go insane?


Am I a bitch?

and now I realize this isnt even a proper post. sigh.

Revival.. hopefully..

A month!
A whole month without blogging.
and just after my blog became a year old too!
Well.. saying 'I've been busy' would be an understatement. I looked at my blogger profile a minute ago. It's so messy. I have four blogs!! FOUR. What does that say of me? That I'm obsessed? or that I manage to overdo everything to such an extent that I tire very easily? The truth is.. I got tired of blogging way back in October. but I kept at it.

I hate mosquitoes. They serve no purpose whatsoever.
I hate being tied down to any relationship. even if that is friendship. Why should any relationship I have, exist out of a feeling of obligation rather than an actual want on my part?
Why should a commitment for a month mean a commitment for a year?
Why can't parents understand their children?
Why do fathers know when their daughters have cried?
Why do people you barely know touch you in some deep way you dont understand?
Why do I wish I'd never told anyone about this blog?
Why do I find no meaning in living the way I'm living now?
Why should it mean anything to me after so much of crap?
Why do I not know if it means anything to me, in the first place?
Why do I have so many unanswered, unspeakable questions?

Sigh.
I hope no one reads this post.
I'd rather not deal with the complications that come out of personally knowing a majority of my readers. Its so easy to run away from everything.
Its so easy to run away from the realization that valentine's day didnt hurt me as much as I thought it would. Because if I have to face that realization, it means I have to also realize that I'm out of depression. If I'm not depressed.. then I have to lose all the weight I gained from sympathy eating.
If I want to lose weight.. I need to first deal with the fact that I'm not actually eating much of anything nowadays and the truth is food nauseates me. Then I need to also deal with the fact that not one soul other than me has realized that I'm not eating anything. not my parents. not my family. not my friends. and I dont even make an effort to lie or cover up.

Complex shit.