Ma, I do care..

In Kerala, there is the system of the power cut. Although its pretty common, even today in the suburbs, it has been stopped of late, in the cities themselves. The past one week, however, because of some maintenance work, Cochin has been suffering from Power Cuts. They last half an hour and are generally in the evenings. The timings change weekly. Nomally when it happens, if its a big house, its a time of family time. The whole family goes out onto a balcony or the porch and makes all kinds of talk - both small and big. Walks and rambles are not at all uncommon.

Today I came home after a movie with friends and realized suddenly how much I missed my mother. Yes, I am with her, now. But I think I missed all those lost hostel years and suddenly all the coming times to be spent away from her just hit me hard. The relationship I have with my mother is very special. (Whose isn't?) She says that when I was a kid, I used to declare (and this isn't in anyway a reference to my previous post) that I would never get married and would stay with her forever. Nowadays my sister says that a lot.

Around 8.30 pm, when the electricty was cut, she lighted candles all around the kitchen for dinner. As I watched her, I felt very loved and content. So many times in hostel, I've lain wide awake in bed, when there is a blackout and the fan stops its rickety churning of the sultry air, watching the moonlight streaming in through the windows, wondering what the rest of the world is doing. And I always used to think that if I were next to my mother, we would have one of those deep conversations that I would almost completely forget all about until much later.

We havent had one of those conversations in a while now.

There have been assorted times in my life when I have yearned for a photograph or picture of her to make sure I didnt forget what she looked like because it felt like so long since I'd seen her. Those times, I used to look for her in other women - the way my teacher smiled with her eyes, the voice of one of my seniors at boarding, the hands of a sales lady, with well kept nails...

Those were times when I was not encouraged to think about her. Times when I was encouraged to avoid her. Then one day as I entered my hostel bathroom laughing with my friend, I saw my smile reflected in all the mirrors and stood shell shocked at what I saw. I looked so much like her, I smiled so much like her. I called her up that vacation, it was high time.

Now, I think of those strange times as a bad dream, I hardly remember. Much more clearer are the years when, like star-crossed lovers, we used to write each other letters and letters which she wanted me to throw away. I didnt, only for sneaky people to read them. But more than that, I remember these recent months when I have been able to be with her all day and all night (something which I never thought I will be able to do, ever), when I have fought with her, fought over her (with my sis), when I have hurt her, when we have laughed together, cooked together and giggled together like two schoolgirls on the way back home from eating ice cream.. And when I think of all these different times - almost eras, I can only think of how lucky I am to be with her now. She has taught me how to smile her smile again... :)

I love you, ma. I am sorry, for all the times I have been insensitive, hurtful, hateful, just plain stubborn, havent called, havent picked up your calls and forgotten to do things you counted on me to do.. I am thankful for all the times I have stood strong only because I knew you would be there for me, no matter what. And more than anything else, I am really sorry for hating you for however small a time I did - I should have known better.

I wish I didnt have to leave tomorrow, ma, but I do. Even if I dont call or sometimes forget to message or dont hear the phone ring, I am missing you, no matter what. And don't you ever doubt that.

Finally getting hitched doesnt seem so far away!!

Well, its all settled. I am going to get married.

Its going to be in that magical place – Goa. It will be in the most beautiful church there. The name of which, my fiancé knows. (No, I don't know. The wedding isn't until another year and a half anyway! ) It will be an evening wedding, with a party/reception later. Now, that will be on the beach. There will be slow-dancing music, moonlight (I will make sure it's a full moon night), the wind and the waves. I will be barefoot. I love walking barefoot on the sand. Oh, and it will be after my MS and after I ( hopefully) get a job there.

This time's New Year was in the middle of (actually just after) a cousin's wedding. A lot of my cousins were seeing me after a long time. There was the usual pulling of legs and how I am second or third next in line. I always responded with 'I will be eloping and thus, will be ( un/fortunately) unable to invite you'. They always laughed it off or said 'ya right, I am sure you'll get married next!'

Little do they know, I am only half kidding. Just a while back, I got secretly engaged. I didn't mean to keep it a secret. No one knew – I didn't find the right time to tell them.

For a while now, I have been yearning to get married – for no other reason than the unusually strong urge to have a baby. Sigh. I love babies. My fiancé is not that fond of them, but I promised him I wouldn't worry him too much with taking care of ours. I want to do it all by myself, anyway!!

So anyway, my fiancé is a big music person, so he's choosing all the songs for the wedding. He's Goan. So I can and will be wearing a dress! To me that is complete liberation! I know it seems like too early for me to get married, but really my mother was engaged at my age. But I haven't told anyone at home. Didn't feel the need to. I will introduce him to them after all the dust settles. But I will be meeting his parents soon – isn't that exciting?

So who am I getting married to? Well, with the amount of time I spend online, it is only half surprising, that the groom-to-be is someone whom I have never met. With the amount of emotional baggage and insecurities I carry, it is even less surprising that it will be only a facsimile of a marriage! You see, when I visited Goa, I loved the place and decided to work there ( after my MS, of course). So it only seemed sensible to tell the only Goan (half Goan?)I knew, that I wanted to live there, learn the language, delve into the culture, etc.. He said – 'easiest thing in the world' – marry a Goan. 'Marry me!', he said. Unsurprisingly ( for me!) I said yes. It will only be a marriage of convenience, of course. His one condition was that I shouldn't restrict his.. ahem.. comings and goings or people coming going in his house in another city! And also no nagging about his smoking, drinking, smoking up and/or possible shooting up. How could that matter to me? I don't love him, now, do I?!?!? Anyhow.. I retorted that it was a mutual thing.. Once we reached an agreement on that front, all was well.

So you see, we're going to be very happy. Wedding gifts will be welcome as both cash and/or kind. Email me for a pretentiously-worded letter of thanks along with the mailing address. Sorry I can't invite all of you innumerous readers for the wedding itself – its just close friends and family.

Note to Fiancé : Dear A.D's, this post is additional proof of your offer of marriage and the intense effect it has had on me. If you withdraw your offer ever, I am not joking when I say, you will have to pay me a considerable sum as breach-of-promise damages!