And so it ends.. 2008

I've never been a fan of the holidays. There's definitely something to be said for bonding with family during the 'jolly' season. But in spite of that, I always feel like I need to be on my guard because it seems to be good to be true. I love my friends, alrite..? But family - is so different altogether. I dont have older siblings or any who are close to my age and state of mind.. So its always a pleasure to be or talk with cousins who are somewhat close to my age.

But staying with family means - no partying (this is uncle0aunty type family - not just cool cousins) so thats that.

In spite of all the happiness I am feeling.. my internship serves to bum me out. Hope this is just a phase. :(

Happy New Year all!

The Stranger in the Mirror

Is it wrong to feel nothing when someone you know just had a heart attack? Nothing at all. Not grief, worry, fear. Not perverse happiness. Nothing! Just a little worry about how to go about booking tickets. She's ok - for now. 24 hours observation in the ICU.
Is it weird I am blogging about this minutes after the phone call from Pa? Is it strange that I feel nothing at all for the matriarch of my family who was suffering from Alzheimer's for the past 3-4 years? She was not a great grandmother or a mother. (I use past tense because the Alzheimer's has deprived her of any sort of consciousness.) She was a strong woman. A good doctor. But I have my own doubts if she was a decent human being. Doctors are prey to temptations the rest of us never face. And she was prone to double those - she brought up three sons all on her own. And brought them up well, for the most part. Of us cousins, I guess I am among the few who spent a lot of time with her. By 'with her' I mean - in the same house. Quality time was not a concept she understood. I cant really blame her for not spending time playing with me or even talking to me, really. I was a pretty messed up kid and she was not used to girls. She probably didnt know what to say. Besides. The hospital was her life. Till she was 80, she used to go sit in that OP room waiting for someone, anyone she knew.
I am sure I loved her in my own way. I was very upset when the Alzheimer's struck. I think I grieved for her then. She was no longer the same woman. She was not even a child. Its hard to explain unless you see it happen to someone and then you realize there's no worse fate than having to be the subject of feuds and fights between your children when you dont even know whats happening.
They say I look like her the most. For the most part, I consider myself to be a pretty even mixture of my parents (looks wise). And yet, there are photographs and fleeting glances caught on various reflecting surfaces that make me think I look like her more than I think.
She was not liked by many people. I dont even think her own family (barring her children - I think they love her.) truly liked the person she was. She was suprisingly stubborn about her meds for a doctor. Or maybe that was why she was stubborn. I dont know.

And yet although I feel hardly anything for her, for the stranger that she was and is, I feel strongly that I should go. That I need to be there. For my family. For my father. For her.

Ma, I do care..

In Kerala, there is the system of the power cut. Although its pretty common, even today in the suburbs, it has been stopped of late, in the cities themselves. The past one week, however, because of some maintenance work, Cochin has been suffering from Power Cuts. They last half an hour and are generally in the evenings. The timings change weekly. Nomally when it happens, if its a big house, its a time of family time. The whole family goes out onto a balcony or the porch and makes all kinds of talk - both small and big. Walks and rambles are not at all uncommon.

Today I came home after a movie with friends and realized suddenly how much I missed my mother. Yes, I am with her, now. But I think I missed all those lost hostel years and suddenly all the coming times to be spent away from her just hit me hard. The relationship I have with my mother is very special. (Whose isn't?) She says that when I was a kid, I used to declare (and this isn't in anyway a reference to my previous post) that I would never get married and would stay with her forever. Nowadays my sister says that a lot.

Around 8.30 pm, when the electricty was cut, she lighted candles all around the kitchen for dinner. As I watched her, I felt very loved and content. So many times in hostel, I've lain wide awake in bed, when there is a blackout and the fan stops its rickety churning of the sultry air, watching the moonlight streaming in through the windows, wondering what the rest of the world is doing. And I always used to think that if I were next to my mother, we would have one of those deep conversations that I would almost completely forget all about until much later.

We havent had one of those conversations in a while now.

There have been assorted times in my life when I have yearned for a photograph or picture of her to make sure I didnt forget what she looked like because it felt like so long since I'd seen her. Those times, I used to look for her in other women - the way my teacher smiled with her eyes, the voice of one of my seniors at boarding, the hands of a sales lady, with well kept nails...

Those were times when I was not encouraged to think about her. Times when I was encouraged to avoid her. Then one day as I entered my hostel bathroom laughing with my friend, I saw my smile reflected in all the mirrors and stood shell shocked at what I saw. I looked so much like her, I smiled so much like her. I called her up that vacation, it was high time.

Now, I think of those strange times as a bad dream, I hardly remember. Much more clearer are the years when, like star-crossed lovers, we used to write each other letters and letters which she wanted me to throw away. I didnt, only for sneaky people to read them. But more than that, I remember these recent months when I have been able to be with her all day and all night (something which I never thought I will be able to do, ever), when I have fought with her, fought over her (with my sis), when I have hurt her, when we have laughed together, cooked together and giggled together like two schoolgirls on the way back home from eating ice cream.. And when I think of all these different times - almost eras, I can only think of how lucky I am to be with her now. She has taught me how to smile her smile again... :)

I love you, ma. I am sorry, for all the times I have been insensitive, hurtful, hateful, just plain stubborn, havent called, havent picked up your calls and forgotten to do things you counted on me to do.. I am thankful for all the times I have stood strong only because I knew you would be there for me, no matter what. And more than anything else, I am really sorry for hating you for however small a time I did - I should have known better.

I wish I didnt have to leave tomorrow, ma, but I do. Even if I dont call or sometimes forget to message or dont hear the phone ring, I am missing you, no matter what. And don't you ever doubt that.