Almost.

And thus..
two years after I started blogging, 2 posts before I reach a 100, I think its safe to declare my blog - Dead. With a Capital D. Almost.
I missed an entire month. Again.
Dying. . .

I think its the heat. My skin's all dry - the Goa heat was unbearable. Yes. I went to IFFI. It was not that great. At least for me. I didnt get my pass until two days later. Talk about luck. Or not.
I dont want to talk about it. Or anything else.
And this is even true of real life. Now, I think I am dying. Fuck. What to do?

Btw, I wonder if you'll ever read this, El. If you do - Happy Birthday!!!

Do you have a blog, yet? No? Get one for yourself!!! or NOT!

so.
I know I havent been writing. Not for the lack of time or internet access. Both I have, in plenty.
Its more like I use the time and the net to download and watch movies.
:-D
There's a week long cultural fest happening in college.
"YeLL" is a club in my college. An ISO certified club in my ISO certified college.
fancy schmancy, eh?
You'd think that. But it isnt really. Yesterday's event proved that beyond doubt. When I think of the standard of my college in Chennai, I used to think it was not great when compared to the likes of IIT(M) and the like. Well, suffice to say, right now, I'd rather not even think of my old college's standards, let alone IIT's!! I thought I'd post a detailed version of the event - with the trash and the crap along with the moments of happiness.. But I'd rather not. It doesnt seem like the best thing to do. The power of blogs is much more than we think it is.
There's a photography workshop happening in college. You would think I'd have gone for it. But it ain't compulsory(for me) and heard it's not that good, either. So why give up free movies and go bore myself?
Among other things, there was a creative writing competition, last evening, as part of the week's events. And yours truly took part in it, as is expected. Last time I won a second place for a horror story. This time, I dont think there's a rat's chance in hell, of me winning. I tried to pull off a very bad Danielle Steel+Sydney Sheldon combo that is worse than all the chicklit+murder mysteries in the world! You can make that out, just from the title - 'Bubbles' . .!!!

Blogging is in shtyle, now. That has a negative effect on my capacity/inclination to blog.
sigh.

Its fucking HOT.

And I'm getting fried.

And the next one's up!

Of late, I've realized that, much like an accent or tone and pitch or choice of words, exaggeration is just another characteristic of speech. At least for me. Besides which I have the foot-in-the-mouth disease, so I dont really look around when I holler out some unspeakable thing or judge my listener's understanding. And this leads to a lot of.. uhm.. sticky situations. On the other hand, I also have found that I'm not alone in the club!

To all my loved oned and not-so-loved ones, I have been claiming that Manipal is a new lease of life and its here that I will be what I have always wanted to be, et al. But, of late (again!), I have come to see that more than a new lease of life, it merely, like any other new place , afforded me an oppurtunity to make a new first impression. In short, ladies, gentlemen, girls, boys and others, I am back to being my poor boring self.

As for the first impression, one half of my acquaintances here think of me as a rather loud, extremely desperate, crazy weirdo who really needs to take voice-training classes or get a vocal chord op, other than get a life. not to mention a change of wardrobe. The other half doesnt think of me. They already have lives. In spite of this and many other thoughts, a couple of them do actually look like they will become the stick-by-ers. Nothing's too sure at this point though.

And then the much more important academic aspect.. let's just say I'm glad I haven't become brain dead yet. Or sprained my index finger from too much of photo-taking.

When it comes to the living conditions, its worse than a jungle. One of the two toilets, for example, is very very unstable and just might overflow. I use the one in college for.. ahem.. emergencies. Safety-wise, however the jungle seems much more secure. Three robberies, three house breaking attempts, one roof-walking episode, and innumerable assaults later, all the girls have had enough. Nothing much has happened in the past few weeks, though.. Thankfully!

I have been doing a bit of photographing.. doesnt seem to have made much difference to my negligible skills.. tomorrow I will wake up at six, and walk to a place far far from where I am now. It is despicable to the lazy lump in me, and yet I am positive I will do it. Sigh.

Goodnight, world.

Just the beginning...

I HAVE changed.
I dont know if its a good thing.
Getting to know of people's nightmares helps in getting over them.
A lot.
I got asked out and stood up on the same day.
By different people.
I am happy here. But I havent forgotten the art of feeling alone in a crowd.
I don't have a glimpse of a chance of learning to dance.
Chennai is really hot.
But Manipal is hotter.
I am tired of giggling.
I really suck at fussball.
My laptop rocks.
Getting back online is bliss.
Blogging is not as fun as it used to be.

Dance, baby, Dance with me all night!!

Last night was one of the most fun nights in my life!!
I danced and danced and danced till I felt dizzy!!
I have not danced so much in my life.
A lil alcohol was used to lose my inhibitions and to soften stiff movements, but it still was me dancing so much. Definitely a nite to remember.
And the best part is - unlike every other time I've danced for fun, noone laughed at me. Noone stood to the side whispering and smirking.. cos everyone was busy dancing themselves!
I love Manipal! I feel like a whole new person.
Did I mention that I'm doing the whole 'new thing a day' thing? you know.. The one where you do something you've never done before - everyday?
The nite before the last, I went bowling. Before that I complimeted a person I didnt know(but secretly thought was hot) on his 'ethnic' clothes. Some other new things (and there is a very long list!) Directed a play. Acted as a super-villain(ness). Ate cheese maggi. Dressed up as Ugly Betty(although everyone said I didnt look ugly!). Wore a short skirt for the first time in ages. Went to a Marthoma Church. Made friends at the drop of a hat. Crushed on a guy whose last name I didnt know till later.

Woohoo Manipal!

Posted on August 20th

So the first day at Manipal is done.. So is the first meal, the first weekend and the first clubbing experience.. and how do I find it? O-kay. Why jus o-kay? Because its different.. and so much of the experiences here have been so foreign to me, that I have not been able to digest it and I think I need to take time to ingest all that has happened to me in the past few days.. I am glad that at least the classes are not so hectic and pressing ( at least until now) that I feel glad I didn’t go to symbi.. BUT when I look at my friends who have, I feel a lil upset – ‘are they learning more than me?’ they have 9-9 classes while I have only 9-5 classes with so many free hours in between.. plus a huge lunch break, tea break etc.. But I think the basic culture in Manipal is slow although not really steady – things are much too unstable for that. The placements are good, so I hope all will be well in the end.
Coming to the hostels, the cottage culture is very interesting, seven in a house with just two bathrooms makes for a lot interesting conversation and may I say that – the way someone leaves a bathroom after they’re done with it just says a lot about them.
I’m finally back in touch with the world – with newspapers and in the journalistic sense.. of course I miss the net terribly and blogging..and somehow mean to make do with typing on my generous roomie’s laptop and then posting it onto my blog.
Classes are interesting in that I had a huge classroom debate(almost a fight) with another girl on the very first day of coll.. Also everyone seems to have seen at least one other person who looks and talks just like me and it colors their opinions of me. Since one of them was a doper and perceived as (lets just say) not a very nice person, I am a little worried.
One very disappointing thing is the lack of crushable, drool-able material. You know, the kind of hot ha-ute guys you’d expect to see in an international standard university. Those kind of guys don’t seem to have fallen into my class even by chance! The only eye candy is on our way back from mess to quarters on the b-ball court. Really nothing can beat hot sweaty guys driving themselves voluntarily to the point of exertion..
The campus is very vast but still everyone walks to everywhere, and as long as you have company, I’ve found its fun. As a result I’ve lost noticeable weight in just four days! The mess food tastes good, but I am not sure I like it too much. The combination of heat and rain is much worse than the hot hotness of Chennai and the rainy wetness of Kerala.
Enough’s enough, the cribbing apart, Manipal became far more friendly to me yesterday when I discovered a positively adorable hostel library with chairs and newspapers apart from the ever-so-loved fiction section!!
One whole 550 paged novel later, I am as happy as an MIT-ian in a pub!

The Tag

A long lone overdue post.
The 8 random things tag. - from sthupit girl.
Rules:
1. List eight random - preferably wierd things about yourself
2. Tag 8 other people.
(I am not going to tag 8 other people cos very few people read my blog, now that its dead.)

Now..

a. I like to drink coffee.. normal - you think? Except I like it very cold. even on a cold rainy morning.

b. I like to play computer games like Diner Dash, Gish and Virtual Villagers. And I am not a hard core gamer - I just think these are fun.

c. My first word was 'kozhi' - thats 'chicken' in malayalam.

d. I am not into music that much. (I can already see all those mouths flying open) I just dont see what all the hype is about. Yes, I like songs and other varieties of noise made pleasurable to the ears. But I dont know the latest bands and singers and always have to think hard when people ask me 'what kind of music do you listen to?' even though I'll end up saying - 'music? not that much.'

e. I think my feet and hands are way way longer than I would have liked them. I dont care about the 'artistic' implications - it makes damn hard to find good shoes in my size. And its embarrassing for a girl when most of her guy friends can wear her floaters!! the long arms and legs I like - it makes for very little moving or strain to get stuff from that top-most ledge or from that place most people can only just touch.

f. I am secretly glad my parents are divorced - it makes for double the pocket money, double the-guilt-caused-pampering and double the security..

g. I broke my front tooth when I was 13. As a result I still dont know how to smile properly for photos.

h. I keep my watch fifteen minutes fast. Always.

Now for the tags..
MM (if you still read my blog), Vidhyuth, Kavya, Sush, Joe, Mukund, Arnold ( I know this one's not happening - but there's no one else who still blogs and hasnt been tagged yet!) and one random person who see this..

It scares me that I've run out of title ideas.

So many times there are moments when I feel how different my life would have been if certain incidents hadn’t happened. The ‘incidents’ vary every time. Most of the time I wish I had met somebody at a later or earlier point in my life. This time it’s a little different. I don’t claim to be a sanctimonious love-it-all, but never have I wished I’d not met a person. Even the most negative character in my life has been someone who at one point was a source of great joy and entertainment. This is the first time I wish I had never met someone.
And the worst part is, this person is not in the least the kind of person I would in, other circumstances, want to eschew from my life altogether. Its more a form of hopelessness, on my part. Like – ‘What’s the point of meeting this person?’
As seen from recent posts, certain relationships in my life have been time bombs waiting to self-destruct, except I wasn’t aware of impending explosion. And also seen from much less recent posts, I’ve also been prone to plenty of infatuations. None of them have lasted any length of time probably because I tire very easily. Most of them were very nice guys who, maybe given time or any hint of my emotions, would probably have made something happen. But.. there was no time and the ‘emotions’ disappeared very quickly.
I don’t know what the point of this post is. I just want to get some things off my chest.
Anyway one of those infatuations was a guy named K. He was so perfect. He played ball, he played the guitar, and he was tall, dark and handsome to boot! Anyway it was just an infatuation. And then voila, he asked me out! Maybe because it was the first time a guy took me to actual dates (before dates just constituted a walk in the playground), talked to me for hours on end (I had just got my phone!) and most of all – sang to me(for the first time, ever!), I fell hard. The fact that there were so many things about me that I didn’t have to explain because he knew all of it much before he asked me out, must have also figured high. None of it was conscious. Anyway it was not a very sensible relationship. I wasn’t mature enough to know he wasn’t mature enough. Familial disapproval, infidelity and insensitivity wrecked the shaky ship finally. I got over it, moved on, although I took a very long time. And now after almost two years, I find myself thinking about him very often. Still this is not the point.

At this point in my life when I have finished with one degree and moving onto the next, as clichéd as it sounds, I find myself at crossroads. There are not just two paths, but around four or five from which I have to choose. And I have just around a month to choose.

Oh, and as for the person I wish I’d never met? I think that’s the closest I will ever come to finding so much of myself in another person. And that’s why I wish I’d never had to face that. Because when I see myself reflected back in so much intensity – I realize what I could have been – in other circumstances.

What are the synonyms for 'Blah' ?

Being a teen is very hard. But being a post-teen adult seems to be harder. Technically I am not an ‘adult’ yet. My birthday’s only coming but since people always say I’m twenty years old (mostly my mother when she wants me to be more ‘responsible’!), I think it makes more sense to start thinking of myself as an adult. Lately I have come to realize that I have a problem with relationships.. No, no no.. Not ‘relationships’.. any relationship be it friendship, mother-daughter or between sisters. Or maybe because I have had problems in almost every sphere of relationship, I just sort of feel like I want to be left alone.
I haven’t written a post in a very long time. In fact I haven’t written anything in a very long time. Its quite sad, really. Even my mum tells her poet friends that her daughter ‘used’ to write poetry. So much for confidence in my mother’s belief in me! On the bright side, my cousin recently told me that she thought I should stick with journalism cos I write well.
That’s the thing, chech… anything that I am compelled to do, I lose interest in! Like academics.. as long as my parents were not bothered, I was fine.. doing very well (if I say so myself). When I came into college, it was expected of me to get outstanding marks, studying sort of lost its charm. Then blogging itself. I wasn’t the first blogger in my class, and definitely not the last. It was something I enjoyed a lot and I thought I was a pretty decent one at that. Then everyone expected me to blog, thought it was part of my character. It didn’t go with a bang.. just sort of faded out.. Still, evidently there is at least some left.
I thought I wanted to study after my degree.. Maybe do a PhD. I don’t know anymore…
Everything seems to be changing. A world where its possible for someone of average intelligence like me to get a 99% in what’s supposed to be a competitive exam, sure seems abnormal.
Yes. Unbelievable, isn’t it? Well, congratulations are welcome as both money and goods to my postal address…

P.S. – Did I mention that I’m smiling on my own a lot more? Guess that’s that..

Packing is so hard.
Why is it that I feel like as if I can blog only from Chennai?
When you care about a person a lot.. expectations crop up.. This is dangerous.. I have to learn to keep myself in control..
Sometimes parents are just people (courtesy - Vid)
Even when I'm happy there are pockets of sadness..
When everyone around me wants something I often feel happy with just the opposite - like the way I'm happy being single!! So many people expect to be in a relationship by the time they're out of college.. Most are. Those who are not - aim to be. Not me, though..

This blog is getting very famous.. Lol
My cousins seem to like it..
How they found out about it.. I dont know..
I'm glad they like it though.. Older sisters' approval is something special!

Feuds are nasty things. How much ever you try to stay away from them.. They permeate at some level.. Family feuds are the terrible-est.

When embarrassed, some people get hyperactive and babble a lot. Almost like they're drunk. What is the connection? The unexpected-ness tends to get one high? But embarrassment is not always unexpected. Strange.

Sayanora, Chennai..

You were home for more than half my life. You watched me grow into first a girl and then a troubled teenamd now i'm a doubtful twenty year old.. You saw my disappointments, felt my happiness, and gave me such a huge variety of friends - ranging from maniacal obsession to sweet monkey-boy.
And so many things have happened in the last fifteen years that I can no longer think of Chennai as just another city but as one where I lost, won and survived.

To all the people of Chennai who were some important parts of my life:

The auto annas - I just could not have survived without you guys. My major transport and first choice everytime I needed to reach somewhere on time..

The watchman of M.O.P. - What a guy! How much fun he must have detaining girls inside a place that was then, akin to jail!

My Adyar corner storekeeper - How many Lays have I bought from him in 11th and 12th counting out carefully scrounged and saved 50p coins!

The waiters of Sweet Chariot (one particular mustached grumpy-face): who were so used to us, they would hardly feel the need to get us the menu, or the orders. We were almost part of the scenery!

The managers of CookieMan: Other than marketing their product so well using mere olfactory advertising, these unique people unknowingly created so many situations in my life that were life changing.

The warden of WCH: Ma'am, I really hail your efficiency in managing the 250 girls in that hostel without any difficulty at all. And I promise I was not part of the mallu gang who put lime and chilli powder outside your door to make you think you're cursed!

The people at Satyam Cinema: So many movies.. Need I say more?

One particular police uncle: For creating the one memorable incident in my life which I will always associate with peeing in my pants.. almost..


To my friends in Chennai:
C'mon, guys.. quit saying that you will miss me! I will keep coming.. Its not like I'm completely moving out.. half my family is still here, for god's sakes!

Sinds - What am I going to do without you? Who'll tsk-tsk, scold and pinch my cheeks? :-( I love you, my funny sister-ish friend..
Ta - Why did we have to meet so late, monkey-boy? I'm leaving today and you're leaving tom.. I don't know if we'll keep in touch. But you better gimme that sketch in May.
Su - Gtalk rocks, babe. It will continue to rock, I hope! :-(
Sau - Journal pardner! What are we going to do to keep in touch?
Ka - Babe! You helped more than you know.. :-) love ya
Sha - What I owe you? It will come one day in the post and you'll quit nodding your head so knowingly thinking that its an empty promise.. :-) just gimme your address!
D, L, N - Thanks for being there. (although L and N dont know all this yet! I wonder how they'll react! Please gimme all details, D)
Ar - Sorry, da. I wish I had known earlier to tell you. It was sudden. Will miss you loads.
Adi - Will miss you. And esp your good morning msgs. Keep in touch.
M, A - Words are so not enough for what I feel. Really.

To other people I wish I knew personally (I almost feel I do.)
Mukund - Its a pity we never met. It would have been nice to know, vakil saar.
Sthupit girl - Girl! I never knew I would have to leave like this - all of a sudden.. I would have made sure I met you otherwise.. Keep me informed about Chennai.. and don't let your hair gray too much, grandma.

Anew.

I feel dead.
Numb inside.
Somethings can't be suppressed for too long for one, they are inevitable and two how much ever you try, it is obvious. And when you are faced with the looming reality towering tall, all you can possibly think of doing is allowing life to take its natural course...
(thanks, sush.)

Have you ever watched the stars come out at night? They come out one by one. Almost afraid to face the darkening sky and all those tiny two legged's peering up at it. When they finally come out, though, they shine to their brightest and twinkle happily forgetting their fears. How I wish I was like a star. Every night I'd get a new chance to prove myself.
As it is, I have lost many chances to insecurities, complexes and the subtle workings of my sub-conscious mind. I vow never again to let go of something that was precious and good because of some silly insecurity.
Oh. and I also vow never to write a post headed 'Doubts'. I have too many of those on my blog already.
Its time for the sun to set. A new day to begin. A new night to face. A new session of twinkling to do.

College is over. its the end of an era. I feel sad.
Sigh.


P.S. - Truman, you are right. I should give simplicity a shot. The only problem is that I am a drama queen. and I dont remember you! :-(

Doubts.

Its been so long since I wrote a proper post that I've forgotten how to start.

But things have been crazy lately. And from the response to my previous post.. I realize that only poor poor sthupit girl is reading my measly blog.. or bothering to comment at least.. It doesnt matter. In fact all the more reason to be happy.

When its time to leave a place, everyone becomes impatient. Especially is its somethign you're looking forward to. Everyone seems to get irritable and irritated. You start getting tired of taking the crap you took happily for three years.

Where that's most obvious right now, is in the 'always-supposed-to-be-ever-fresh-and-green' area - Friendship.

In spite of all the cheesy forwards one recieves saying its supposed to last forever, it just wont, will it? Nothing does. I've already lost touch with friends I meet everyday.
I mean.. we talk, we see each other every day just like before. but it isnt the same. and that scares me. because, it feels like being trapped. Suddenly their glaring faults seem all the more obvious and all the more irritating, the tiniest things tend to spark off the sickest fights, and suddenly I've discovered that I want to do many things other than 'hang out' or watch that 'great' movie. And what scares me even more is not that I love them any less (I dont love them any less) but the fact that I seem to be the only one feeling like this.

Is it because of the differentness? the lack of sameness?

Maybe I should explain (to whom?).. I study in this typical X-type college which has a lot of typical X-type students. I am (fortunately?) a Y. But my aforesaid beloved friends are all X.
Of course religion, caste, and community (all of it - X) do NOT matter to me. I did after all choose them as my friends. There were non-X type people available as well... but.. well but.
But my point is that its stifling now. The lack of space. The taken-for-grantedness. Their know-it-all, my-little-universe-is-the-whole-world attitude.

Sigh. But they've been there for me throught thick and thin, maybe not always doing to me as I would have done to myself (I would have been harsher), but still staying by me, listening to my woes and to my cribbing.. I love them really, I do. If it were not for them I wouldnt be sane.

And now, is it just my sick imagination, or do I feel that spend any more time with them and I'll go insane?


Am I a bitch?

and now I realize this isnt even a proper post. sigh.

Revival.. hopefully..

A month!
A whole month without blogging.
and just after my blog became a year old too!
Well.. saying 'I've been busy' would be an understatement. I looked at my blogger profile a minute ago. It's so messy. I have four blogs!! FOUR. What does that say of me? That I'm obsessed? or that I manage to overdo everything to such an extent that I tire very easily? The truth is.. I got tired of blogging way back in October. but I kept at it.

I hate mosquitoes. They serve no purpose whatsoever.
I hate being tied down to any relationship. even if that is friendship. Why should any relationship I have, exist out of a feeling of obligation rather than an actual want on my part?
Why should a commitment for a month mean a commitment for a year?
Why can't parents understand their children?
Why do fathers know when their daughters have cried?
Why do people you barely know touch you in some deep way you dont understand?
Why do I wish I'd never told anyone about this blog?
Why do I find no meaning in living the way I'm living now?
Why should it mean anything to me after so much of crap?
Why do I not know if it means anything to me, in the first place?
Why do I have so many unanswered, unspeakable questions?

Sigh.
I hope no one reads this post.
I'd rather not deal with the complications that come out of personally knowing a majority of my readers. Its so easy to run away from everything.
Its so easy to run away from the realization that valentine's day didnt hurt me as much as I thought it would. Because if I have to face that realization, it means I have to also realize that I'm out of depression. If I'm not depressed.. then I have to lose all the weight I gained from sympathy eating.
If I want to lose weight.. I need to first deal with the fact that I'm not actually eating much of anything nowadays and the truth is food nauseates me. Then I need to also deal with the fact that not one soul other than me has realized that I'm not eating anything. not my parents. not my family. not my friends. and I dont even make an effort to lie or cover up.

Complex shit.