To you who said goodbye.

I am not really angry. I am just a lil.. well.. jealous. Can you blame me? You are there. And I am here. Nothing can ever happen between us. Ever. And not just because of the distance. I know that well enough. But it sucks. Big time.
I dont love you. But I could. And thats the worst part. Because of what could have been. Because of the beauty of it. Because of the sparks that fly. Because we would have fit. Perfectly. And it would have been just right.
But then circumstances... And even what we talked about, finding a way around things, is not enough. I do not want to be a whore - either intellectual or otherwise. I know thats not exactly what I will be if we do what we jokingly talked of doing. But thats what I am sure I would feel like.
But the worst thing is - its put a distance between us, now. We cant even talk of generic things, now, without leaving so much unsaid, that it stifles the meaning of what we talk about, anyway.
And now, there you are - I see you have a life of your own, now. Completely disengaged from me. Not that we were ever entangled with each other. I thought at first that all the sparks were figments of my imagination. But then you made them real when you asked me about them. When we talked about it later. And how it could not be.
It feels like headbutting against a stone wall. No matter how much we try to walk around it, the fact still remains - it can never be. You were not my only one. Or my last, in fact. But what we might have had - that was something special. The last time I brought it up, you said - 'Anna, it can never happen. So why talk about it?' Thats when I realized that like everyone else, it was so easy for you to bail as well. Why is it so hard for me? Why do I feel like I need to make it work every single time? Why do I always get left behind feeling like shit?
But wait. This is overdoing it. But its not just about you. This about every single guy I've dreamt of. Every single crush I've had. Every single tear I've wept. Everyone I've ever longed for.
How come its so easy for everyone else to move on? How come I always find the courage to stand firm and fight for what I love? And how come every single time its so easy for the others to not?
Yes. I am jealous. Not of her. But of you. Of the life you've managed to have which doesnt include me. Of your capacity to forget. Of your cowardice. Of your hypocrisy.