This is a rant. And I know I have too many posts titled like that. But what the hell. Its my blog.

So its reached a stage where I feel old old old a month before I turn 21.
I really need to get a life.

Anyway while I'm on this rant I might as well just get on with it.
Well a couple of days back I went to this boarding school (ya, I know - I bring it on myself!) and I suddenly wished I had done a lot more when I was in school. Learnt an instrument. Learnt to swim. Learnt to ride a horse. Blah blah.


And then yesterday, I am clicking through some Facebook albums.. and I come across this really really hot guy. And. he turns out to be on my friend's list. And I am thinking.. 'who the hell is this guy? I thought I'd already hit on every decent looking guy on my list.' And then.

He turns out to be a junior in school. About 3 years junior. Now I know, its not a big deal. But come on. He's a kid!! Just turning 18. And when he was in 4th std, he's seen me in clothes (and a phase) I'd rather not have a prospective boyfriend even know about! But he's hot. And out of the question.

Then I reflected on the number of guys I stop myself form crushing on(and rarely succeed, by the way) just because they were younger. I really think guys have it easier. They can hit on younger and older chicks. While with most girls its ok to look but not touch or anything else if the guy is more than two years younger. I know there's no hard and fast rule. AND I KNOW Tendulkar is married to a woman 5 years older. But it still doesnt change that unwritten rule that girls have. Its a girl thing.

I miss Manipal.
And I am old.
Sigh.

The Stranger in the Mirror

Is it wrong to feel nothing when someone you know just had a heart attack? Nothing at all. Not grief, worry, fear. Not perverse happiness. Nothing! Just a little worry about how to go about booking tickets. She's ok - for now. 24 hours observation in the ICU.
Is it weird I am blogging about this minutes after the phone call from Pa? Is it strange that I feel nothing at all for the matriarch of my family who was suffering from Alzheimer's for the past 3-4 years? She was not a great grandmother or a mother. (I use past tense because the Alzheimer's has deprived her of any sort of consciousness.) She was a strong woman. A good doctor. But I have my own doubts if she was a decent human being. Doctors are prey to temptations the rest of us never face. And she was prone to double those - she brought up three sons all on her own. And brought them up well, for the most part. Of us cousins, I guess I am among the few who spent a lot of time with her. By 'with her' I mean - in the same house. Quality time was not a concept she understood. I cant really blame her for not spending time playing with me or even talking to me, really. I was a pretty messed up kid and she was not used to girls. She probably didnt know what to say. Besides. The hospital was her life. Till she was 80, she used to go sit in that OP room waiting for someone, anyone she knew.
I am sure I loved her in my own way. I was very upset when the Alzheimer's struck. I think I grieved for her then. She was no longer the same woman. She was not even a child. Its hard to explain unless you see it happen to someone and then you realize there's no worse fate than having to be the subject of feuds and fights between your children when you dont even know whats happening.
They say I look like her the most. For the most part, I consider myself to be a pretty even mixture of my parents (looks wise). And yet, there are photographs and fleeting glances caught on various reflecting surfaces that make me think I look like her more than I think.
She was not liked by many people. I dont even think her own family (barring her children - I think they love her.) truly liked the person she was. She was suprisingly stubborn about her meds for a doctor. Or maybe that was why she was stubborn. I dont know.

And yet although I feel hardly anything for her, for the stranger that she was and is, I feel strongly that I should go. That I need to be there. For my family. For my father. For her.