I have a crush on someone absolutely inappropriate.
I dont like having crushes on someone as inappropriate as this (and no, you pervert, it's not a girl - that wouldn't be inappropriate unless she was married).

Well. You know.. I started this post because of the overwhelming urge to tell someone about him. About his mind-numbing sarcastic wit, irresistable charm hidden under layers of absolute rudeness, his bubbly laugh whenever he picks on me...

Yeah. I know what you're thinking - he doesn't sound very nice. Well, he isn't. Not to me, at least. But then, that is what I want. You see, people (if there are any left), I've discovered I'm a masochist. A sick sick person who enjoys being picked on, made fun of and absolutely tortured. That's what gets me.

Now about him... I didn't think he knew I liked him - let's just say I've been keeping it well hidden, or so I thought... Until I realised, that suddenly his digs were not understood by anyone else - they made sense only if you cued in the fact that I have a humongous crush on him.
(By the way, if someone thinks this is too personal or too repititive or simply boring - Eff off. It's my personal space. Mine. Hear that?)

So anyway... I wanted to express that overwhelming surge of feelings that comes over me when I'm being ridiculed by him, or when I am talking to him or merely when I think about him. Trsut me, this experience has definitely given me a whole new perspective of the extremely thin, almost-nvisible line between love and hate. Not that I love him. At least, not yet.

Anyway as I was saying I wanted to express those feelings, so I did what I always do - start a diary. Didn't help. Told a few friends. Didn't work, either. So then I thought, I'll restart that dead blog of mine which has been rotting in my closet.. But then.. I thought - why not start a new one?!

So ladies, gentlemen and the rest of you assorted creatures who still read this blog.. I am moving.

Ta!

Tarot Revelations...

There are so many big things happening in my life. And yet none of them, I can really blog about. It seems like a bloody long time since I sat down and wrote with even a little piece of peace of mind. (sad sad pun. I know.)
That's what my life has reduced to - bad puns. In truth, I think I dont write much here, anymore, because I'm spending most of my time writing. And all I want to do is watch a movie or sleep when I get some time.

So I went to the tarot reader a couple of days back. And despite, spending a whole truckload of money (my first salary - so there!) she only managed to tell me two things I didnt know. One, that I will apparently get married in six months and that it would be a love marriage and two, that I might also get married in 22 months. The latter revelation came when I visibly cringed at her six month prediction. So I suppose I mustn'e take either too seriously.
Also.. It's not like I have anyone lined up to take my hand on the aisle. There are so many bloody weddings lined up in the near future, that when I think of all the weight I've promised myself to lose, I feel faint. Literally.

Work, you ask? Just like they say in Facebook... It's complicated.

A month into Adulthood - Notes to Self.

Its going to be one month and I still like my work. So relax.
Everyone I know seems to be single or getting there. This is so different from Manipal. In the nicest way ever!
I have clothes, for a change!
I need shoes.
I want boots.
I wish there were more hours after 7pm till 9pm.
Most of Bangalore sleeps early. Its absolutely silly.
Lack of time affects everything else. But I've still managed to finish two whole books! I'm reading two more, now.
I HAVE to go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.
8 am is NOT early.

Sunrise

When I got off the train, I expected the worst of everything. I never thought I'd love my job. I knew I was allergic to the very air here, and I didnt know where I was going to stay. It turned out ok.

And then.. I got free internet. :)
Life, I say, could get only a little better.

Of course, I just might completely overturn this post tonight. Work.
Also, I've decided to post everyday. Let's see how that works out.

The young, the restless and the almost-forgotten.

Everytime I think about him, I smile that lazy smile and my eyes scream out about all the hurt he's been responsible for. The lazy smile because he always makes me laugh. That's what made me go weak in my knees... He always made me laugh.. even if what I really wanted to do was cry. I could never stop smiling...

Three years later.. I cant smile at all his jokes. Or laugh at his dumbness (put on, i hope). His eyes twinkle the same way. We've both changed so much. And he's gone from confirmed hottie to 'heh!'-provoking-french-beardie. But he still makes me go weak in my knees, though. I think I just need to get a life.

Or maybe I need to go see an orthepaedist. :|

This is a test

I am trying something new. Hopefully this will encourage me to blog more often.

Bleep.

Dawn

"So you're a reader?", he asked looking at the pile of books on my table.

'Yes.' What could I say? I am a kleptomanic who made a recent library visit?
'Have you read any of these?' I asked rhetorically, realising this was a bad idea. Its one thing to get naked with a guy. Its completely another to have him try and understand your soul from looking about your room.

"Yes. One." I laughed in my head. Typical. I didnt even want to know which it was. He moved on to my laptop. This had to be stopped now. "What were you watching?"

'Girlfight', I said, right before I kissed him.

He didn't look at anything else in my room after that.

____________________________________________

"I smoke a joint everyday", he said, afterward, as we sat looking at the sun rise.
I laughed. Out loud this time. 'And why are you telling me this?'
"I think .. it's something you should know.."
'You are not going to call me. I'm not going to call you. You probably wont remember this, even, a couple of days from now.'
"Except maybe sometime when I'm.. you know.." he smirked.
'Hah!'

This was all wrong. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to talk. Why couldn't he keep his gob shut?

____________________________________________

I called up my best friend, the next day. He didnt want to talk about this.
My roommate said I was making this a habit.
My girlfriend thought I was crazy.
My ex was shocked.

I, on the other hand, still don't believe it.

____________________________________________

*Its fiction, inspired from real life. Try not to read too much into this. And judge me not. Or do. Doesnt make a difference.

Appa, I care too!

My course in Manipal is coming to an end - a couple of weeks left. But I cant stand to be here anymore. I need to get away from this place. Towards home and family. I havent been to Cochin in four or five months, as for Chennai - its almost been a year. I miss my people!!

There are many crises at home. A cousin's in hospital, my mum's not at the pinkest of her health and on the other side, a cousin's getting hitched soon and has turned into bridezilla (I'm just glad I'm nowhere near her!) and my dad..

Appa has always been the out-of-sight-out-of-mind type. Even when it came to me.. I was never bothered by it before.. I know he loves me but just has a very different way of showing it. When I was studying in Chennai, he would hardly call me once a week.. but then it was ok.. I am a very independent person and just knowing he was there was enough for me. I have never thought of myself as very close to my faher, I connect more with my mum. But then in the past couple of months, my dad has been in touch with me at least once a week. This is a little scary. Of course the simple explanation is that he missed me and has decided to call me more often. But when is life, or truth, for that matter, simple? I think he's going through some sort of a mid-life crisis.. and I want to be there for him.. But this damn course is just so hectic right now!

I read this. And feelings came off. I dont know what to say. I miss my appa too. Very very much. And I think I should do something about it.

Smokin' !!!

So yesterday, I was sitting out in my balcony, with a book in my hand, and I knew that if it was a perfect world I would have had a coffee in my hand and a blanket wrapped around me because it would be snowing. But its not. Actually.. if it was a perfect world, I would have had a cigarette in my hand, not even a coffee.

My roommate doesnt like me smoking in the house. I know I have a right to do what I want to, its my place, as well.. But in all fairness, I didnt smoke when I started living here. But now I do. I never understood what people got from smoking. Booze was different.. there's significant high, and loss of control/inhibitions, whatever - Its fun (right about till you start throwing up.) But smoking? No particular high.. Just a 'need' to smoke. Even once I started smoking, and loved it... I never got the 'need' to smoke. In fact I always thought, that when I start getting that 'need' would be a great time to never look at a cigarette again.
Well.
Its here. Its not overwhelming. and I dont feel I'll die if I dont smoke. But its still there. A small niggling at the back of my mind when I havent smoked in a day or two. I know I should stop right now.. I'm just not sure I want to.

Back, I think..

I was talking to my roommate yesterday about how manically I used to blog and how much. The sheer number of posts in 2006 stuns me. Especially as it was one of the busiest times in my life. I have decided to blog again. And not just blog. But blog regularly. It made me happy once, I think it will again. I have a huge number of incomplete posts which are unfortunately saved as drafts and only serve to make me flinch everytime I open my dashboard and promise myself to visit it even less. First thing I did was delete all of them.

Yesterday was fun. I made posters for an event I'm organising - there was a lot of painting and sticking involved and like most things art-n-crafty, it relaxed me and I think I'm on my way out of the hole I was digging myself into.

I was called a bitch yesterday. No asteriks on my blog. Its only the second time I've been called that with genuine feeling. And trust me, I have no idea how to feel about it. For almost two hours after that I was in shock and today... I feel absolutely nonchalant about the whole thing. I have no desire to explain, and be explained to, anymore. My friends were shocked and angry - one even insisted on me retaliating - which I didnt.
I know all this might seem a little much. I was just called a name - what's the big deal, right? Wrong. In light of my past month and the general state of my life right now, this is something on the lines of another nail in my coffin. If you knew me (or if there were anyone who was actually reading this blog), you would know that I'm a drama queen. This is probably just some 'drama'. Let's leave it at that.

Other than being called names, and delving into some awesomely creative art n craft, what have I been upto? I have been very busy getting my heart broken! ;) But then, that's hardly new for me. I will never understand men, and I dont think I will. But, I intend to try.

Manipal is over. Just a month or so left.
I'm about done with this place. Too many feelings. Too many memories I want to forget. But most of all, a couple of people I'm not sure I want to remember.

That said.. this has been the most fascinating years of my life, because all said and done, its been one helluva ride growing up. :)

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity

And the new year seems to be turning out just a tad different, after all...

It really is true that life very often lands you with surprises when you're least expecting. Unpleasant or pleasant - I haven't found out. Yet.
Something tells me a few bubbles are going to be burst. Although I wouldn't know if that's a good thing or a bad one. I am not sure I really want to.