Dawn

"So you're a reader?", he asked looking at the pile of books on my table.

'Yes.' What could I say? I am a kleptomanic who made a recent library visit?
'Have you read any of these?' I asked rhetorically, realising this was a bad idea. Its one thing to get naked with a guy. Its completely another to have him try and understand your soul from looking about your room.

"Yes. One." I laughed in my head. Typical. I didnt even want to know which it was. He moved on to my laptop. This had to be stopped now. "What were you watching?"

'Girlfight', I said, right before I kissed him.

He didn't look at anything else in my room after that.

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"I smoke a joint everyday", he said, afterward, as we sat looking at the sun rise.
I laughed. Out loud this time. 'And why are you telling me this?'
"I think .. it's something you should know.."
'You are not going to call me. I'm not going to call you. You probably wont remember this, even, a couple of days from now.'
"Except maybe sometime when I'm.. you know.." he smirked.
'Hah!'

This was all wrong. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to talk. Why couldn't he keep his gob shut?

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I called up my best friend, the next day. He didnt want to talk about this.
My roommate said I was making this a habit.
My girlfriend thought I was crazy.
My ex was shocked.

I, on the other hand, still don't believe it.

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*Its fiction, inspired from real life. Try not to read too much into this. And judge me not. Or do. Doesnt make a difference.

Appa, I care too!

My course in Manipal is coming to an end - a couple of weeks left. But I cant stand to be here anymore. I need to get away from this place. Towards home and family. I havent been to Cochin in four or five months, as for Chennai - its almost been a year. I miss my people!!

There are many crises at home. A cousin's in hospital, my mum's not at the pinkest of her health and on the other side, a cousin's getting hitched soon and has turned into bridezilla (I'm just glad I'm nowhere near her!) and my dad..

Appa has always been the out-of-sight-out-of-mind type. Even when it came to me.. I was never bothered by it before.. I know he loves me but just has a very different way of showing it. When I was studying in Chennai, he would hardly call me once a week.. but then it was ok.. I am a very independent person and just knowing he was there was enough for me. I have never thought of myself as very close to my faher, I connect more with my mum. But then in the past couple of months, my dad has been in touch with me at least once a week. This is a little scary. Of course the simple explanation is that he missed me and has decided to call me more often. But when is life, or truth, for that matter, simple? I think he's going through some sort of a mid-life crisis.. and I want to be there for him.. But this damn course is just so hectic right now!

I read this. And feelings came off. I dont know what to say. I miss my appa too. Very very much. And I think I should do something about it.

Smokin' !!!

So yesterday, I was sitting out in my balcony, with a book in my hand, and I knew that if it was a perfect world I would have had a coffee in my hand and a blanket wrapped around me because it would be snowing. But its not. Actually.. if it was a perfect world, I would have had a cigarette in my hand, not even a coffee.

My roommate doesnt like me smoking in the house. I know I have a right to do what I want to, its my place, as well.. But in all fairness, I didnt smoke when I started living here. But now I do. I never understood what people got from smoking. Booze was different.. there's significant high, and loss of control/inhibitions, whatever - Its fun (right about till you start throwing up.) But smoking? No particular high.. Just a 'need' to smoke. Even once I started smoking, and loved it... I never got the 'need' to smoke. In fact I always thought, that when I start getting that 'need' would be a great time to never look at a cigarette again.
Well.
Its here. Its not overwhelming. and I dont feel I'll die if I dont smoke. But its still there. A small niggling at the back of my mind when I havent smoked in a day or two. I know I should stop right now.. I'm just not sure I want to.

Back, I think..

I was talking to my roommate yesterday about how manically I used to blog and how much. The sheer number of posts in 2006 stuns me. Especially as it was one of the busiest times in my life. I have decided to blog again. And not just blog. But blog regularly. It made me happy once, I think it will again. I have a huge number of incomplete posts which are unfortunately saved as drafts and only serve to make me flinch everytime I open my dashboard and promise myself to visit it even less. First thing I did was delete all of them.

Yesterday was fun. I made posters for an event I'm organising - there was a lot of painting and sticking involved and like most things art-n-crafty, it relaxed me and I think I'm on my way out of the hole I was digging myself into.

I was called a bitch yesterday. No asteriks on my blog. Its only the second time I've been called that with genuine feeling. And trust me, I have no idea how to feel about it. For almost two hours after that I was in shock and today... I feel absolutely nonchalant about the whole thing. I have no desire to explain, and be explained to, anymore. My friends were shocked and angry - one even insisted on me retaliating - which I didnt.
I know all this might seem a little much. I was just called a name - what's the big deal, right? Wrong. In light of my past month and the general state of my life right now, this is something on the lines of another nail in my coffin. If you knew me (or if there were anyone who was actually reading this blog), you would know that I'm a drama queen. This is probably just some 'drama'. Let's leave it at that.

Other than being called names, and delving into some awesomely creative art n craft, what have I been upto? I have been very busy getting my heart broken! ;) But then, that's hardly new for me. I will never understand men, and I dont think I will. But, I intend to try.

Manipal is over. Just a month or so left.
I'm about done with this place. Too many feelings. Too many memories I want to forget. But most of all, a couple of people I'm not sure I want to remember.

That said.. this has been the most fascinating years of my life, because all said and done, its been one helluva ride growing up. :)