There I was, with my long earrings touching my neck with every step I took, feeling delicate and lovely, walking home. It didn't matter that it was 11.00. That the road was dark and there was some random guy walking just in front of me. I walked fast until I crossed the road. The stars were bright, the night was clear and I was alone for the first time today. I just enjoyed the breeze and walked. It wasn't a long distance, but for the first time in a long time, I walked slowly, unconscious to everything else but myself. I didn't think of anything, just looked at the stones, at the sky at the road ahead. For the first time in a long time, I let myself not think. And feel.
But I was not completely off-guard. Not completely oblivious. There was that guy walking on the other side of the road. We walked together. At the same pace. I kept expecting something nasty, or sick to happen. It didn't.
And somehow, I learned to trust again.

Insipid-ness

I feel old. And I know that its NOT because my birthday is 'nigh'. There are still four more months to go till that horror.
So I promised Raga I'd make a public blog. But I've been thinking. WTF? - With a few edits, this blog could become public. Its so much a part of me that I would feel guilty to start another one. Sigh. I wonder what it feels like to be motivated. To be driven.
Ellu's like that. He talks to me about it a lot. Why dont you do this or that? You have so many ideas, blah blah.. Its a little scary when someone who knows you for such a short time seems to have so much faith in what you can do. But honestly.. Its not just about drive or doing squat.
I feel lethargy settling down on me like a cosy blanket that feels warm and comfortable until it starts to suffocate the life out of my hum-drum life. Wait. Scratch that. My life is not hum-drum. Far from it. I am doing my PG degree, am acting in a play after years and years, taking part in competitions, blogging regularly after months.
Ooooh. Blogging regularly never is a good sign for me. Neither is my low attendance in college. I'll figure something out as soon as I get my food. The delivery guy has been standing at the door for the last five minutes. But my wallet's in the next room. Sigh.

Neither here, nor there.

Sometimes I think I am going mad. When there is absolutely nothing to be mad about!

I have always been afraid of mediocrity. Afraid of being ordinary. Of living in limbo. Of achieving nothing - bad or good. Of living life with no excitement. You know 'when she was bad she was very very bad, and when she was good, she was very very good.' That's my ideal life. However.
Yesterday, I was told that I am boring!

Boring. Sigh. I think maybe I should get a navel ring or an eyebrow piercing. Or a tattoo. Or streaks in my hair. Or even just a rosary. How can I be boring?!?!?

To blog or not to blog?

So there was this blogging competition in college. I didnt take part in it. They still managed to make me blather out a few incoherent words. But I didnt register. 'Why?' they asked. Well, because. Its personal. Who likes to see their innermost feelings and thoughts put out on display especially to a group of people about whom they are about? But why do you blog then? - they asked. Well.. Its different. I blog because its a journal. I blog because it hones my writing skills. I blog because I want to. Its different if one of the people I talk about come across my blog by themselves. That, is a whole other ball game.

Valentine's Day Violence

This is an editorial I wrote for my college newspaper.
Not great, but then thats what my blog is for, isnt it? Publishing all kinds of shit I write?

On Valentine’s day this year, there were twenty one people who didn’t find the day of love, true to its name. In a repeat performance of last year’s Virginia Tech disaster, though not as bad, a former student at Illinois University opened fire in a lecture hall, killing five students and wounding 16 others. There have been three other major school shootings since Cho Seung-Hui fatally shot 32 people in a dorm and a classroom at Virginia Tech in the deadliest mass shooting in modern US history. Although the history of violence in schools and educational institutions in America dates back to 1927, only two occasions – the Virginia Tech Incident and another 1999 Colorado school episode have resulted in any significant change in the liberal gun laws. While policies haven’t been drastically changed, many experts say that the gun culture and the shootings are both direct impacts of the violence projected in American TV, movies and video games.

In India, for the most part, we seem to view these events as outsiders and hardly ever get ruffled by them. The USA has always been different; these things don’t happen here, we think. But we continue to expose our children to the same violent movies and video games that American children enjoy. Indeed, with the continued westernization of every aspect of the Indian way of life, it would not have been long before violence among children too, came into the limelight. On December 11, 2007, the country was shocked by Abhishek Tyagi’s violent death at the hands of his 14 year old classmate, Akash Yadav. The boy was shot with a gun that had been sneaked into the school by hiding it in a sock. The question that is most important here is not how the gun could so easily have been brought to school, but what made Akash think he can solve bully problems using violence.

Since December there have been several more cases of violence in schools with one student in Madhya Pradesh succumbing to injuries inflicted on him by a senior. The most recent attack occurred on Feb 12th, when an eighth-grader stabbed an 11th-grader in the shoulder and chest at a government school in New Delhi. While these incidents may have been the result of individual tensions and problems, this trend of resorting to violence cannot be overlooked.

Without waiting for more such acts to occur or any more to be killed, the government, in a landmark decision has decided to act. Disciplinary committees of Central government schools have been assigned a pro-active role to check instances of violence among students, the HRD ministry announced on 11th of this month. Whether like many other government decisions this will be implemented or not, is yet to be seen. However, the change needs to start at home. Most psychologists believe that the violence streaming through all the media we are exposed to, has an effect of desensitising all of us, more importantly children, to the horror of actual violent behaviour.

Most Bollywood and Hollywood action heroes don and use guns without thinking twice. Is this what we want our children to learn from? Although only three Indians (as compared to 83 Americans) out of ten thousand bear guns, we are slowly but steadily getting closer. Even though, the greatest perpetrator of non-violence, Mahatma Gandhi is the Father of our Nation, India has hardly been a non-violent country. We have a history of violence and bloodshed dating from even before Independence. Perhaps now, that history has begun to affect our children as well. And before it results in an Indian version of the Virginia Tech Shoot-out, we must ponder on how to set a better example to the next generation.

To you who said goodbye.

I am not really angry. I am just a lil.. well.. jealous. Can you blame me? You are there. And I am here. Nothing can ever happen between us. Ever. And not just because of the distance. I know that well enough. But it sucks. Big time.
I dont love you. But I could. And thats the worst part. Because of what could have been. Because of the beauty of it. Because of the sparks that fly. Because we would have fit. Perfectly. And it would have been just right.
But then circumstances... And even what we talked about, finding a way around things, is not enough. I do not want to be a whore - either intellectual or otherwise. I know thats not exactly what I will be if we do what we jokingly talked of doing. But thats what I am sure I would feel like.
But the worst thing is - its put a distance between us, now. We cant even talk of generic things, now, without leaving so much unsaid, that it stifles the meaning of what we talk about, anyway.
And now, there you are - I see you have a life of your own, now. Completely disengaged from me. Not that we were ever entangled with each other. I thought at first that all the sparks were figments of my imagination. But then you made them real when you asked me about them. When we talked about it later. And how it could not be.
It feels like headbutting against a stone wall. No matter how much we try to walk around it, the fact still remains - it can never be. You were not my only one. Or my last, in fact. But what we might have had - that was something special. The last time I brought it up, you said - 'Anna, it can never happen. So why talk about it?' Thats when I realized that like everyone else, it was so easy for you to bail as well. Why is it so hard for me? Why do I feel like I need to make it work every single time? Why do I always get left behind feeling like shit?
But wait. This is overdoing it. But its not just about you. This about every single guy I've dreamt of. Every single crush I've had. Every single tear I've wept. Everyone I've ever longed for.
How come its so easy for everyone else to move on? How come I always find the courage to stand firm and fight for what I love? And how come every single time its so easy for the others to not?
Yes. I am jealous. Not of her. But of you. Of the life you've managed to have which doesnt include me. Of your capacity to forget. Of your cowardice. Of your hypocrisy.

Old Monk and the Stars

Ok, so most guys think that they have the upper hand on drinking, smoking, smoking up and the rest. Well, maybe they do. But for fuck's sake, when a girl gets drunk, understand that its proabably because she wants to get drunk. Its not coincidence that she turned up for the party of the week after a fortnight of hibernaton. I swear, its not! And once she gets nice and wasted and something happens to get her on a bad trip, (like an idiot who calls at the wrong time) just sit and talk to her. Or let her talk. If she wants to cry, let her. Even if its about the stupidest thing in the world. And the last thing you should do is contradict her and make her feel like a fool. Cos she will cry more.

So yesterday was a mixed bag. I swear I just love the buzz of a cigarette. And since I smoke only when I am drunk, or getting there, I feel dizzy afterwards. But its all good. I learnt a lot about the people in my class yesterday. And did a lot of stupid things.
Drunken mistakes are so hard to come by in my lame life. I suppose I should make a note of this in my diary. Oh wait. that is exactly what this is.

On another note - the rest of the party thinks I am in loooove with someone else cos I spent a whole fifteen mins crying about 'why he doesnt like me?'. But the truth is - I just cant handle the fact that someone doesnt like me (when we have hardly interacted) and has no qualms about making it obvious.

Come on! Who can NOT like me? huh? I am just so adorable. Hmmpph.

A few things to say to myself.

(This is a rant.)
Why is it so hard to realize when you're depressed? When you sit at home watching movies even before they get downloaded completely, bunking classes, not even motivated to submit assignments on time, not talking to anyone about the things that're really bothering you, and when the restaurant phone-answerer knows your order and your voice, its high time to do something about it.
Why did you get involved in a play when you've forgotten how to act, love directing more and have the worst case of stage fear ever?
What made you think you were worthy of any attention ever from anyone?!?!?
Really! What were you thinking? How do you like to feel humiliated, rejected and like such a total failure as well as a loser of the first order? Serves you right. Never get your feelings into the picture. Ever. Havent you learnt your lesson?
Change your number. Dont call him. Dont pick up his calls. Dont fool yourself into thinking you dont know his number. You may not know the exact digits, but you know when its him.
Why don't you go get drunk? It might help. Its the beginning of the month. The 'I'm broke' excuse doesnt hold good, anymore.
Buy the god-forsaken charger, already!! Enough of begging from other people!!
What made you think you were worthy of any attention ever from anyone?!?!? And even if you were, a fling is not the solution. To anything.

Get Over It.
NOW.