Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity

And the new year seems to be turning out just a tad different, after all...

It really is true that life very often lands you with surprises when you're least expecting. Unpleasant or pleasant - I haven't found out. Yet.
Something tells me a few bubbles are going to be burst. Although I wouldn't know if that's a good thing or a bad one. I am not sure I really want to.

And so it ends.. 2008

I've never been a fan of the holidays. There's definitely something to be said for bonding with family during the 'jolly' season. But in spite of that, I always feel like I need to be on my guard because it seems to be good to be true. I love my friends, alrite..? But family - is so different altogether. I dont have older siblings or any who are close to my age and state of mind.. So its always a pleasure to be or talk with cousins who are somewhat close to my age.

But staying with family means - no partying (this is uncle0aunty type family - not just cool cousins) so thats that.

In spite of all the happiness I am feeling.. my internship serves to bum me out. Hope this is just a phase. :(

Happy New Year all!

Seeing green

I give up. I dont know how to deal with you anymore.. Or how to deal with them.
I dont know how to deal with all these feelings you cause - jealousy is the worst! Iam not a jealous person never have been - but suddenly I want to catch that 'cute' ponytail and rip it off her scalp. And this is the least of what I have been daydreaming about. My violence scares me.


I know this post is cryptic. But there are some people who I need to say these things to. But I'm too much of a coward to tell them directly. Besides they read my blog. So.

I always wished I had someone - kith, kin, family, friends in Bombay.
I dont now.

Sunflower Girl

It was a sunflower. It was a sunflower in her hand the first time I noticed her. The first time I noticed her was near the auto stand in front of MIT. She was walking down the road holding a flower in one hand and a pot in another. It was dark and I dont know why I noticed her at all.

But I did. And I couldn't stop looking at her for those few seconds - barely a minute that it took for her to walk from the gate to the auto and get inside. My eyes didnt leave her person for an instant. Not her perfect nose. Not her hand. Not the tattoo on her hand. Not the striped dupatta fluttering in the wind. Nothing. I was entranced. Officially.

It was only later, after the auto she'd gotten into had gone away into the distance that I realised that I'd seen her before. That I'd never noticed her before but I'd seen her. In college, maybe? But wouldnt I have noticed such a piece of perfection? I tried to put her out of my mind. But the image of her walking down the road, looking at her feet with her hair swishing across her face refused to fade in my mind. I didnt even regret that I didnt have my camera with me.

As I walked towards the gate she had just left, I wondered what she was doing at this time of the night. It wasnt late. Not for Manipal. But still. She had a sunflower in her hand!! What was she doing here? Had some guy asked her out? Why would she be walking all alone then, by herself?

There's this thing that I do when I am perturbed. I fidget. I fidget with whatever I can get my hands on. So there I was. Fidgeting with my bike keys. Twirling them around. Throwing them up and catching them while walki - wait. I had stopped walking. I was just standing there right before the gate and playing with my keys lost in thought. Lost in the thought of her. The watchman gave me an odd look while I sheepishly picked up my pace and walked towards my destination. I didnt stop fidgeting though.

Do you read a lot of books? I do. A number of books, propogate this new-age type thinking. Wish for soemthing hard enough and it will happen.. The universe guides you, etc.. I always thought they were nice ideas. Exciting, even. But somethign of that sort had never happened to me. So those ideas? They were just abstract concepts, stored away for later in the recesses of my mind, like packets of eats that are bought for a future time of hunger in hostel when you're broke or lazy. Today, I was hungry. Or rather.. I wished with all my heart that I meet her again. That I see her again. I didnt really meet her, did I? Though I had already thought of her so many times, she was so familiar to me. As I threw my bike keys in the air one last time I felt a chill breeze in the air. And I knew. I knew I would never see her again.

Well, I was wrong. What can I say? Fate decreed that I would meet her again. And soon.

Coming soon..

It was a sunflower. It was a sunflower in her hand the first time I noticed her. The first time I noticed her was near the auto stand in front of MIT. She was walking down the road holding a flower in one hand and a pot in another. It was dark and I dont know why I noticed her at all.

But I did. And I couldn't stop looking at her for those few seconds - barely a minute that it took for her to walk from the gate to the auto and get inside. My eyes didnt leave her person for an instant. Not her perfect nose. Not her hand. Not the tattoo on her hand. Not the striped dupatta fluttering in the wind. Nothing. I was entranced. Officially.

Stay Tuned...

Tag Time.. After a Long Time...

This is dedicated to divinediu. :)

Aw crap, your iPod's jammed on one song! And you won't be able to get it fixed for a week! What song do you hope to christ it's stuck on?

Oh. Well.. Although.. I like a LOOOT of songs (people change. I am a music person now!!).. It has to be this one. It’s the ending song from Portal, “Still Alive”, done with some flashy typography effects. Not only is it interesting to watch, but it’s easy to sing along.And when I sing along... I imagine the animation in my head cos I know it by heart!! :)

You learn that your new cable package has the Anytime Movie Channel! Which movie do you immediately flick to?

Oh come on!! If I was to get a Anytime channel - it HAS to be Anytime All-episodes of My Favourite Series Channel - yes. too much Grey's Anatomy has made me my brain all fuzzy. Maybe I'll need neurosurgery. But if it was Anytime Movie Channel - then my current favourite movie is 'The Departed'. Or even 'Aviator' will do. Or anything with hot Leo DiCaprio in it.

You walk in the front door and smell dinner cooking! What makes you go, "Oooh, I like that!"?

Hmm. Fried Fish!!

What's your favourite season?

The monsoon!! I can curl up in bed, with a book or a movie, and listen to the rain.

What's your favourite word?

Well. I'm afraid there's absolutely no competition. It has to be 'fuck'.

And your least favourite?

'Saliva'. It grosses me out. Cos I get gross visuals in my head.

If you could be anything in the world when you grow up, what would you be?

A painter.

What's your pet peeve? C'mon, you can tell us! What makes you go, "ARGH!!!!"?

When you're having this intense conversation with someone on IM or phone and either the power goes off and thus the net or the phone runs out of charge.

And finally... Which celeb makes you go all fluttery and swoony whenever you see a picture of them?

Come on!! Me? One? No way!! James McAvoy, Eric Dane (I've loved him from Charmed!) and oh yes.. Kevin McKidd. Yes, I have it bad for those blue irish eyes!!

TAG!!
Anyone who wants to do this fun tag - consider yourself tagged!

In other news.. I will be writing about what happened that night in a sequel to Mary Jane, Chocolate Boy and a dream. Soon...

Mary Jane, Chocolate boy and a dream

When you really want to do something.. and someone stops you from doing it.. you get mad. My first reaction is to protest the interference. Sometimes... though you're glad of it cos even though you didnt think doing it was wrong.. at some level? you're glad you didnt. Doesnt stop the pissiness though.

Last night was more of an awakening than a disappointment. In many ways - a time of many firsts, and 'first time in a long time's.

And apparently... lol.. I am good with my hands!! ;)

Change

Is it a good thing? You would think, it is. But is it? Really?
I have changed soo much in the last year. But then, that's to be expected.
What about other circumstances? When you change even though you dont want to? And what bout when other people change? Those you dont want to change? And then, what about all the small things that change when you're away for a bit? And relationships? How are you supposed to deal with all the change?

No, there has NOT been any dramatic change in my life. Unless you can call an epiphany a change of sorts. It is really not too much to ask - an unchange, I mean.. or is it?

What I am trying so hard to say.. is.. I am indifferent to change for the most part.. When people change, I can accept it - it may take some time - but I move on. But. When its me who changes, I dont know hwo to react.. especially because I dont realize it while its actually happening.

Its a lil creepy this entire post. So I'm going to stop now. :|

More importantly... :)

I got a new look that everyone really liked..
More importantly I liked it too!!

I fucked up my laptop display..
More importantly, I got it back in a few days!

I've written a random letter, recently, that I dont know what to feel about.
More importantly, I'm glad I actually sent it.

I've been partying too much lately
More importantly I'm going to restrain myself a little.

I've been putting several things off indefinitely..
More importantly, I'm starting to tick them off my to-do list.

I've been very busy and stressed lately...
More importantly, I've lost some weight!

I've been doing many creative things of no significance to my career..
More importantly, I've gained a whole lot of confidence.

I love the last three days.. There've been ups and downs, of course..
But I simply love how full they've been. :)

Today.

Well.. I've had this hidden blog.. Not many posts, though so.. It really doesnt make much difference.. Anyway I've decided to put this post up.. cos it came out well..

As he locked the door, he could feel the wind billowing his shirt out. He loved that feeling of almost being lifted. As he strode out towards his bike, he slid the keys into his pocket. They felt cold. Smooth. Polished. Just like his dad. He smiled. Strange how thoughts like these come at the most inopportune moments. Well, thinking of his dad wasn’t going to help him much, he decided as he paused for a second on his bike, before he started it. He smiled again. It was going to be a beautiful day.

She stared at the mirror. She was looking pretty, today, she thought to herself. She wondered why she hadn’t noticed the weird shape of her face before. Her eyes seemed extra sparkly, especially when she thought of the day ahead. She wondered why she wasn’t smiling when she was so happy, her heart should probably have burst a while back. Then she realized she was also afraid. No. She hadn’t just realized it – she had known for a while. Her face fell towards the washbasin. She looked at the bottle in her hand. Should she do it? She couldn’t stand to look at it, anymore. Why was this necessary? If only, things were different. She wished she didn’t have to face anyone she didn’t want to face. She wished she were on an abandoned island. Away from society. Away from people. Away from moral obligations.
But she wasn’t. She clenched the bottle.

The air flew into his face. Oh, how he loved feeling the engine beneath him while cutting through the fog. He thought about what he had planned. Planned! Were things like this supposed to be planned? Well, this was the way he would have it. The only way. When he thought about it, again, he wondered what the future would bring. He didn’t know. And he didn’t care either. He only wished time would stand still with today. It was not like it was the first time he was going to do this. But in spite of himself, he knew this time was different. He didn’t care about consequences or reciprocations. He didn’t care about guilt or society's so-called code of morals. He would face all that later. Right now, he only cared about one thing, and one thing only and that was today.

Her mother and sister were arguing again. She didn’t want to listen. She didn’t need to. She knew what was coming. They would yell at each other till their throats went sore and then they would sulk – each waiting for her to come and comfort them and patch up things for them. She got up. She had had enough of it. “I am leaving, ma. My plane leaves in an hour. I have to get to the airport. Remember, there’s hardly any network there, so no point in calling my cell phone. I’ll be back in a week.” She didn’t even wait for her surprised mother to ask if she really was going in the middle of this family crisis. She knew if she waited for this family crisis to get over, she’d have to stay for the next three ‘family crises’ as well. As she turned to leave, she looked back into the house. Nothing would ever be the same, she realized. After tonight, she didn’t know what exactly would change – but she knew something would. Maybe they’d stop arguing. Maybe they would stop watching TV so much. She suppressed a laugh. Now that would bring about a family crisis! She closed the door and leaned back into it after it clicked into place. How would she change after tonight, she wondered.

As they spotted each other, they realized they couldn’t bear to be apart one more moment. The mall was the best place. It was innocuous and filled with so many other people meeting, that the significance of this particular meeting was drowned. And god knows, they needed as little ‘significance’ as possible. As they left for the airport, the same thoughts were running through both their heads. They knew it wasn’t supposed to be planned, like this. They knew it wasn’t supposed to be this momentous. But in the end, it was theirs to treasure or throw away. And who really cared if they decided to make a big deal out of it?

What is it? Can you guess?

The end-of-the-month catch-up-with-me post.

Last night, I had an epiphany of sorts. It was like the time I discovered that many of the people who I lived with, studied with, hung around with 24x7 had very different fundamentalist/homophobic/communal tendencies from what I had come to expect. This time it was about prejudices and biases. As I've been feeling lately that writing my true feelings on this blog is only getting me into more trouble than the unburdening is worth, suffice to say - the scales fell from my eyes.
When I look at my friends, I would like to say, I choose them.. that I choose not to hang out with those people I dont hang out with because I am not comfortable with them and that therefore the people I hang out with are the ones I am most comfortable with. It is true, in a way. And in Manipal, for the first time in my life, I'd thought I'd fallen in with a like-minded set. But I think I judged too soon. Its not so much like-minded, as from similar backgrounds.. At the superficial level, our ideas, values and thoughts seem almost the same.. Dig a little deeper and the differences seem to widen into craters of dissonance.

Anyway the freaky part is, I slept last night with a resolution to make new friends and not depend so much on my existing ones - that way I'll have my own space. Now, I've subscribed to this free sms service which gives news/goodmorning msgs/bible quotes(to silence my guilty conscious when it raises its head)/horoscopes.
And Leo's horoscope says : 'New friends in life may be fun but not steady. Take them as they come and let them go when they want.'

Talk about divine intervention!! And also, a dear cousin calls up, reminding there's always family. :) So i'm slightly relieved that its not like my entire support system just crashed.
In other news, I've officially started sketching. Here's my first major project - all completed and looking incredibly nice.

Edit: I deleted part of this post because I thought it was unclear and dont think I can put it differently. So.

The lack of me.

I've not been writing.. Because I've been writing a lot in my journal. I think I've had enough of the thrill of putting all your thoughts out there for everyone to read. I've also been sketching a lot. I've been doing many creative things. I got voted the Cultural Sec of the college.. So I've also been busy a lot. I cant blog anymore. I think. What to do? I dont want to delete this. It means so much to me. And I cant see it dying without any sort of activity. Anyhow. I've things to do. And miles to go. (in an un-Frost way)
so.
ciao.

I'm 21...

and still so many things I wish I was not.

Sigh...

This is a rant. And I know I have too many posts titled like that. But what the hell. Its my blog.

So its reached a stage where I feel old old old a month before I turn 21.
I really need to get a life.

Anyway while I'm on this rant I might as well just get on with it.
Well a couple of days back I went to this boarding school (ya, I know - I bring it on myself!) and I suddenly wished I had done a lot more when I was in school. Learnt an instrument. Learnt to swim. Learnt to ride a horse. Blah blah.


And then yesterday, I am clicking through some Facebook albums.. and I come across this really really hot guy. And. he turns out to be on my friend's list. And I am thinking.. 'who the hell is this guy? I thought I'd already hit on every decent looking guy on my list.' And then.

He turns out to be a junior in school. About 3 years junior. Now I know, its not a big deal. But come on. He's a kid!! Just turning 18. And when he was in 4th std, he's seen me in clothes (and a phase) I'd rather not have a prospective boyfriend even know about! But he's hot. And out of the question.

Then I reflected on the number of guys I stop myself form crushing on(and rarely succeed, by the way) just because they were younger. I really think guys have it easier. They can hit on younger and older chicks. While with most girls its ok to look but not touch or anything else if the guy is more than two years younger. I know there's no hard and fast rule. AND I KNOW Tendulkar is married to a woman 5 years older. But it still doesnt change that unwritten rule that girls have. Its a girl thing.

I miss Manipal.
And I am old.
Sigh.

The Stranger in the Mirror

Is it wrong to feel nothing when someone you know just had a heart attack? Nothing at all. Not grief, worry, fear. Not perverse happiness. Nothing! Just a little worry about how to go about booking tickets. She's ok - for now. 24 hours observation in the ICU.
Is it weird I am blogging about this minutes after the phone call from Pa? Is it strange that I feel nothing at all for the matriarch of my family who was suffering from Alzheimer's for the past 3-4 years? She was not a great grandmother or a mother. (I use past tense because the Alzheimer's has deprived her of any sort of consciousness.) She was a strong woman. A good doctor. But I have my own doubts if she was a decent human being. Doctors are prey to temptations the rest of us never face. And she was prone to double those - she brought up three sons all on her own. And brought them up well, for the most part. Of us cousins, I guess I am among the few who spent a lot of time with her. By 'with her' I mean - in the same house. Quality time was not a concept she understood. I cant really blame her for not spending time playing with me or even talking to me, really. I was a pretty messed up kid and she was not used to girls. She probably didnt know what to say. Besides. The hospital was her life. Till she was 80, she used to go sit in that OP room waiting for someone, anyone she knew.
I am sure I loved her in my own way. I was very upset when the Alzheimer's struck. I think I grieved for her then. She was no longer the same woman. She was not even a child. Its hard to explain unless you see it happen to someone and then you realize there's no worse fate than having to be the subject of feuds and fights between your children when you dont even know whats happening.
They say I look like her the most. For the most part, I consider myself to be a pretty even mixture of my parents (looks wise). And yet, there are photographs and fleeting glances caught on various reflecting surfaces that make me think I look like her more than I think.
She was not liked by many people. I dont even think her own family (barring her children - I think they love her.) truly liked the person she was. She was suprisingly stubborn about her meds for a doctor. Or maybe that was why she was stubborn. I dont know.

And yet although I feel hardly anything for her, for the stranger that she was and is, I feel strongly that I should go. That I need to be there. For my family. For my father. For her.

If wishes were horses, I wish I could fly..

I think so frequently that other people live better, more interesting, consequently more fuller lives than I do. I see albums titled 'monkey truffle', profiles titled 'Blue apple in a bowl of moon-custard'. And then I think.. Sigh. Is it just me or do people just take random words and swirl them around in a bowl of water like paint?
I dont have anything against them, at all. I truly appreciate their inane, insane creativity. And then the pictures! Oh Lord!! The innumerable number of mad photos and each with their unique crazy caption. What happened to lame old cheesy smiles and corny poses anyway? And captions that start with 'L-R:' ?
I feel old and crusty. Like I am a generation older than all these cracked brains. And the worst part is I dont know whether to believe that these people with their weird pics, captions, profile names, etc are weird in real life as well.. Cos well most of these people are acquaintances or childhood friends who I hardly remember.

Do they yell and scream at restaurants with other people staring at their table cos of the loud dirty jokes and laughs? Did they take a sporadic trip on a train not knowing where their destination was but ended going to the zoo? Did they ever eat over 13 things in a chaat place for under 200 rupees and then spend the rest of the evening laughing at funny lingerie, high on food? Do they get so totally drunk that they lie down on the beach with the water and the sand passing over their faces (almost)? Do they put their entire torso out of a bus window just because its raining and they havent got rained on in a long time? Did they ever convince everyone that spring rolls were the only thing worth eating in the canteen and subsequently order fifty spring rolls just for their table? Do they giggle and dirty-talk and bite each other's arms just to prove to everyone else that they just might be in love even when they know they arent? Do they spend hours on a cool cloudy night talking about the universe or eating biriyani on the porch while its raining on their feet? Do they spend time and money on a stray puppy that has such a nasty festering wound on its ass that its tail almost falls off? Did they ever have to search the kitchen in the middle of the night for the refridgerator key that kept them ten cms away from a midnight snack? Do they cry like babies when they just arent allowed to get into the pool just because they're a lil drunk and its time to go? Or do they much much weirder things?

I have hardly any pictures of all the crazy moments in my life (both mine and my friends'- We were too busy doing those things than worrying abt getting a camera!!) But I sure wish I did.

That kissable corner!!

James McAvoy is so kissable. I want to have his babies. And he's got that perfect corner of the mouth you dont often see. Just look at it. So fucking tempting.

I should have been born in Scotland, named Annie Duff and been his co-star in Shameless.

Shit.

That horrid horrid man.

I dont know why I never watched the movie 'Bella' before. Its the kind of movie I would have loved to watch back when it came out. On the big screen. I thought it was a chick flick. But it isnt. It is so much more.
I'm just in my twenties. Then why do I hear that biological clock ticking so badly? Maybe its just that I need someone. Want a close relationship with someone who was all mine. Jeez. I shouldnt have kids. I'd probably turn out to be one of those psychotic parents who would never let anyone talk to their kids or let them out of the house, to 'protect them from the rest of the world'.
Talking of psychotic parents.. Josef Fritzl was/is the heights, isnt he? The man should be first castrated, his balls strung up on a kebab stick and then he should be put into an asylum.

Sigh. Enough with the abuse. I really need so many things at this point in my life.. and my career plans are going nowhere. I feel like I need a booster doze optimism. Help!